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Unkle Munky Pg 35
Sunky would like to make it clear that the Munky has got fcuk all to do with him. "To be quite frank I wish I'd never adopted the shit." ---- This week Munky is tipping... Ms. Bumton (Unkle Munky’s legal advisor) says - At last, Munky tips something current! ---- Hospitality... Unkle Munky says -''' Dear Ms. Bumton! What the fcuk do you think you are doing! This weeks ‘Munky Tip’ was meant to be ‘We don’t need another Munky’ by Tina Tuna! ''Ms. Bumton (Unkle Munky’s legal advisor) replies - Dear Unkle Munky, do you really assume that your dated CD endorsements are going to influence people with agonising issues!? At least my offering is current (in a post sixties pre-Spice girls reunion kind of a way). I would suggest that you shut your big hairy gob and leave my sexy little commercial in place! It is the least you can do after making me wank Fireman Sam off!'' 'Unkle Munky adds -' Dear Ms. Bumton, the hospitality that you bestowed upon Fireman Sam with regards to our securing the extremely important ‘Fire Safety Certificate’ has not gone unnoticed. In fact I have it on video. I would like to make it clear, however, that I did not force you to do anything that had not already crossed your dirty, if not alluring, little mind. Your fireman fetish is far more extreme than I could have possibly imagined. With this in mind, I might shortly swap my trendy ‘acieeed house’ bandana for a lovely yellow helmet. You may, on this occasion, keep your CD advertisement in place. I shall be changing the Unkle Munky password from ‘emmagivesgoodhandjob’ to something less obvious before the day is through! I must again request that you refrain from hacking into my Commodore 64 Datacorder with a view to changing the content of ‘Unkle Munky’! I cannot have an ex-Spice Girl compromising my primitive position as it only serves to make me look cheap and unprofessional. And now, if you do not mind, I have agonising issues awaiting my full attention. P.S. Have you seen my Gameboy anywhere? ---- Yvette from Wakefield asks - Dear Unkle Munky, is it true that retro pop loony, Kate Bush, is a recluse? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Yvette, having consulted my 1992 'Bumper Book of Pop Loons', I can confirm that Ms. Bush, rather than being a ‘recluse’ is actually a ‘Leo’. I hope this helps. ---- Letting your Love-light shine... Stella from Mullberry asks - Dear Unkle Munky, there is a girl in my class at school who is extremely beautiful. With this in mind, both my mates and myself were wondering if we should perhaps make her life a living hell? We, as you may have guessed, are not quite as attractive. 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Stella, thank god you wrote! There is never any excuse for bullying! You must understand that ‘real’ beauty comes from deep within. Learning to accept those who may appear different is, in my munky opinion, the first step to acquiring the beauty of which I speak. You, my dear Stella, may not consider yourself to be as attractive as this young lady but, given time and nurturing, your inner beauty has the potential to shine like the brightest of all the stars. I would suggest that you embrace this young lady and, in so doing, show your ‘friends’ the ugliness of their own hostile ways. Why not be the Stella in constellation and let your love-light shine? ''Ms. Bumton (Unkle Munky’s legal advisor) adds - Dear Unkle Munky, that was very beautiful. Perhaps I was wrong? Perhaps a munky really can be an agony unkle.'' 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Ms. Bumton, has this increased my chances of getting a shag out of you? ''Ms. Bumton replies - Oh fer god’s sake! Do you have to ruin everything!?'' ---- Bullshit News... Rachel from Halifax asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my dozy husband recently died from excessive blood loss after losing his head in the Lion’s enclosure at Chester Zoo. My family doctor says that he could have been carrying a dormant gene that, when awakened, might have triggered a rather sever Lion allergy? With this in mind, do you think there is a possibility that my five year old son could be carrying the very same pesky gene? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Rachel, firstly, may I extend my deepest sympathies for your tragic loss. I once worked for ‘Oxy Vanish’ and therefore know how difficult it can be to adequately remove blood stains from clothing. On your behalf, I have consulted my 1997 ‘Big Boys Book of lion related incidents’ and can confirm that there is a very high risk of your offspring harbouring the exact same gene that so tragically took both your man and his shirt. I would suggest, from hereon in, that you steer your vunerable son clear of any lion enclosures that might possibly exist within your local vicinity. P.S. The following article from ‘Bullshit News’ might be of interest to you… ---- Jason from Surrey asks - Dear Unkle Munky, who do you think should win Celebrity Big Brother? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Jason, I cannot admit to watching Big Brother as to do so would surely render me uncool… My legal advisor, Ms. Bumton, says that my acid house bandana already hints towards a general lack of street credibility? She, however, was once in the Spice Girls, so her opinion must be treated with some scepticism. Now, as to your question - If anyone deserves to win, then surely it has to be the ever graceful, intelligent and extremely beautiful Jade. Of course I’m joking. Sadly, the vile behaviour of some of our ‘celebrities’ has made me feel quite nauseous. With this in mind, I am without a doubt, hoping that the beautiful Ms. Shilpa Shetty wins. But like I said, I don’t watch Big Brother! ''Ms. Bumton (Unkle Munky’s legal advisor) adds - Well said Munky. For once I am in total agreement with you. Please, however, do not assume that this rare occurrence is going to warrant the removal of my blouse!''' '''Unkle Munky says -' Oh Balls! ---- Car Trouble... Joy from Derry asks - Dear Unkle Munky, my rather ignorant boyfriend was involved in a disco dancing accident on Saturday night whilst competing in a stupid ‘John Travolta’ look alike competition. He is now in a coma and, according to doctors, there is currently no way of knowing if he will ever dance again. My problem revolves around the fact that his Ford Bollock GTX MK2 is blocking my fcuking driveway and rendering my Vauxhall Vagina totally redundant! What can I do Munky? I can’t find his keys anywhere!? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Joy, what a terrible inconvenience this is! Apparently, according to my Gary Numan book of Cars, the Vauxhall Bollock GTX MK2 is notoriously difficult to start, even with the keys! Numerous anti-theft devices make things extremely difficult for the novice thief. Later models were even fitted with ‘Pheromone Immobilising Units’ (a device that renders said vehicle totally immobile whenever a female is sitting in the driving seat). It would appear to me that your Vagina is going nowhere until that Bollock gets shifted. I would recommend, on this occasion, that you get yourself down to the ‘Silly Bugger’ unit as soon as possible with a portable CD player and a copy of ‘Saturday Night Fever’! You might also wish to consider the installation of a glitter-ball above the lazy fcuker’s bed. Just out of interest, did he win said competition? Joy replies - Did he fcuk! He looks more like that David Dickinson knob from TV’s, ‘Bargain Hunt’ than he does John Travolta! ---- Katherine from Glasgow asks - Dear Unkle Munky, I am currently attempting to trace my ancestry via the gift of MTV. Sadly I am only able to travel back to 1981 and was wondering if perhaps that might have been the year of the ’so-called’ big bang? 'Unkle Munky says -' Dear Katherine, I have consulted my ‘Grand Master Flash and the slightly upset Five’ annual and can confirm that MTV did not exist prior to the year that you mention. I think we can safely assume that life itself did exist before 1981 and that your current ‘family twig’ is but the tip of a very well established tree. Attempting to trace your ancestry via the MTV route is, to say the least, a somewhat flawed approach. Have you considered the Star Trek route? ---- Next... Previous... Return to Munky Menu...